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I fell for you, my mistake (The End, Part 2 of 2)

Some people say you need one whole week to cry (while singing sad sappy cheesy love song), a day of screaming out of lungs and bunch of beer to fix a broken hearted (and lots of rebound sex). Me as a virgin broken hearted person, I don’t know what to do. I spend a full week crying, and then continue with no eat for two weeks and then I shut myself out from my friend and my parents for nearly a month. That’s how I solve my broken hearted case. 

 Finally one of my best friends picking me up from the gutter of sorrow and miserable. He gave me a harsh and brutally honest advice. And then I come clean my mom and my dad willing to help me. I am starting to get back on my feet. I am starting to search a job, especially in fashion magazine. I don’t care even if I work as admin again in the company. and then a few weeks later I got call for interview, no it’s not from fashion magazine. But I believe it will lead me to some way that eventually helping me to achieve my dream. Even in it leads nowhere I don’t mind at all, there will a lesson that I can learn or skill that I never thought before.

One things first, my priority right now is to survive in this glittery fake glamorous over price city, yess I mean Jakarta. So day by day, I woke up at 6.30am get ready and then join the commune and work till 5.00pm. Back to pretty boring routine life, I don’t have time to spoil myself. I get back home, watching some movies, listen some music, I get too comfort in my cocoon (sounds pretty lame, isn’t it). But I kinda like it in some ways. In my free time, I learn Spanish (Si senior, mi hablo espana), or hanging out once or twice a month with my bestfriend. 

In my 25th birthday there’s nothing happened. I only got 4 or six greeting message from my friends (maybe I need more socialize). It got me thinking, maybe I should make a tattoo (perhaps a little subtle one in covered area). I try to do design research and consulting to my friends. This would be a crazy idea or moment that I have in this fully shit year. But my friend convince me not to do it, because it will stay in your body and become a part of your body, and not to mention a full year complaining and whining from your mom (I can imagine my mom yelling “YOU DISSAPOINTING ME!!”). So, I didn’t do it, but still I would love to have a tattoo someday.

Back on my work, I really do hard work and put effort on my works. Until one day, I was chat with my newlywed friends. We talk and talk for a while, catching up news to each other and gossip (Hell yeahh). I told her that I never watch her wedding video, and I ask her to send it to me on email, she said that I can watch it on her youtube channel. So I watched it, and BOOM, I don’t know what to say. I had so much feelings when I watched it, happy, sad, a ticklish heartwarming in my chest and lots of thing happen in my heart. I love her very much, and I’m really happy for her

                                      

And then it got me thinking, she’s 25 and already found her source of happiness. Me? I’m still figuring out what my life would be. I’m still far away from any kind of fashion nor design life. What I have done lately?? (OMG, pull yourself together dipshit). For almost a year, I just running around chasing tails and get stuck on the loop. I have to cut this fucking loop, I can’t waste my time any longer. 

I am losing my track (again), I feel bad to myself. I should’ve take order of myself and get back on my track and crawling on the dirt. But I falling myself into sad cheesy movies, I think I just need a reason to cry myself out loud (it help me). So I watched, Big Fish, Click, Eternal Sunshine of Spotless Mind, The Green Mile, etc
With all of those movies, I (think) am okay now. And with all those crappy shit that I’ve been through this year, I guess there’s a silver lining that I haven’t noticed yet or big picture about this year for me. I don’t know why I am telling you guys about this, it’s not like you gonna come over and give me a warm hug. And I don’t know why I wrote about this, I guess I wanna declare myself to the world that “I am Okay” even if I’m not “I’ll be okay”. So right now I will stand tall and look back to my passion, my way, the one I believe, yup.
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