"Is this the place that I've been dreaming of? Oh simple thing where have you gone? I'm getting old and I need something to rely on"

I write this after I had an argument with my mom. I hate writing about my feeling in blog, I feel like a spoil brats that always about whining everything or take a pity from you reader. But the thing is, I had enough, I can’t hold it anymore, I feel like I’m going to explode into deep sad confetti or melting with my tears. I didn’t tell my friend what I’ve been through, I keep it silent and lock inside my heart and then bury it deep in the oceans (okay it’s too dramatized). Okay, I will tell you about my story

In October of this year (if God helps) I will graduate in my college, I study Accounting as my major. I know what you will say, “Oh I thought you study fashion or design or stuff like that” or “oh my, I thought you already a designer, I love your design, I guarantee you will become a famous designer, you have talents” or maybe “I don’t know who you are, your design is good, I don’t care, bye” (this probably just happens in my head). I’ve been study Accounting for four years, and now it’s my senior year. A lot of things to do, tasks, and of course pressures. For the pressure, I can handle it but not the pressure from my parents. All my life I always do what my parents told me to, I don’t want to be bad kid, or rebellion kid, I don’t want hurt their feelings in the end, the main reason is they are my parents, the only parents that I have. I feel selfish for them if I insist or follow my dream. I just want to make them happy and proud to me.

It all started from last semester, my mom asked me when I will graduate and then I answered October, then my mom start to tell me about benefits working in big company, the assurance that we will get, everything, and my mom hoping me working in BIG COMPANY. And then my dad called asked the same questions, and then told everything about BIG COMPANY, and he can help me to get job in there, I answered “yes” politely and then hung up the phone. I always feel like a needle just going deep through my skin and my flesh when I said “yes” to my parents. Actually my mom knows about my talent, but she think my talent is useless, it can’t give you assurance or real paycheck. It all go back when I graduate in high school, I begged to my mom to allowed me to study art and design, but my mom said no, and then I stressed out and figured out something else (no, don’t expect me to do something radical or wild when I get stressed or angry, I’m a passive aggressive person) and then I choose Accounting as my major study.

Back in today, my mom still force me to work in BIG COMPANY, I said no and try to explain to her that I don’t want to work in company. Then she gets mad and said that all of my designs that I made will give me nothing and lead me to nowhere. I shut my mouth and face downs, I go straight to my room and write this story. Actually there’s still a lot of thing that I want to tell, but I just couldn’t, I’m sorry that I can’t tell you the details of my story. I don’t know what will happen after the October, all I know now my picture perfect of the future slowly crack and shatter into pieces.

Ps : FYI my dad is in Jakarta, he taking care of my sisters daughters, and he have same idea with my mom about my talents.